October 4th, 2010
|03:50 am - Buoy.|
I think about compassion A LOT. Awhile back, I thought I'd learned enough about compassion, but it seems to soften everything while at the same time fortifying. It gives a tensile and ductile strength. The well is deeper, as if there could never be enough to learn. The more you work the clay, the more it shapes you.
Today I was thinking compassion is an act, maybe THE act, of love. Love is the emotion and compassion is what follows. Compassion is not an emotion itself. It is an expression of emotion. Funny not to have thought of that before, but many things had evaded me in their simplicity. The answer is often right before my eyes and I'm off in a hot air balloon in my mind looking at the whole forest. Sometimes it is the opposite. I see things at face value rather than seeing their rather blatant and important symbolism.
I'm not sure why my mind makes these orderly distinctions; only that that's the nature of the human mind.
Something that occupies my mind a lot is the sincerity involved with compassion. If it doesn't come effortlessly, does it mean less? At some level, is manipulation of others the motivation? That thought bothers me and I'm never entirely sure of my own motives. I've come to know my father as a Trickster Spirit and I believe I inherited that feral tendency to manipulate from him. I don't mean to do it and I acknowledge it and try to use this skill for what I know as Goodness.
Then again, if compassion becomes completely effortless, is it simple habit rather than a spirit of giving? I don't know that and I don't know if I'll ever find out because this learning is slow. I would like to be a better person who is not quick to make snarky criticisms of others in the back of my mind in my father's voice, who is not inclined to speak ill of others even if they have wronged me. There is some path to this I haven't learned, but if I keep scenting it, maybe I will come around.
Some do far more in the name of Love than I ever have...maybe more than I am capable. And these often seem to be people who have been deeply hurt who are called to take the hurt away from others, even while they are drowning in the flames of their own love. Who will be there to catch their broken wings from fiery descent? I wish there were more I could do for them than just reaffirm my love and admiration. Maybe that is enough. It helps them get by little by little. Every drop in the kettle.
In the face of Naked Vulnerability, compassion has become inevitable for me. So that's something. People speak of themselves, I think believing they reveal little, when the anguish is written all over them. You can't hide it, you are marked by your pain and ecstasy. It is plain for anyone who knows how to see it.
Current Mood: buoyant
September 1st, 2010
|05:57 pm - Beautiful Burnout.|
Today, I am over you. You are mind-numbingly boring and I'm itching to do something more creative than stand around in a bookstore pretending to straighten things I've already straightened ten times. My spirit is floating elsewhere, thinking up funny Halloween costumes and wonderful stories for children. You have made me feel lifeless and wan with your great expanse of NothingInterestingness. I am going to leave you behind and find the Night; the Night sparkling with raindrops on wet cement. I'm going to weave a long golden song of harp music in my head that no one else will ever hear and that will be enough that it is just for me, that it came into being. Goodbye, Today. I am leaving and taking the souls ebbing around the edges of you along with me. We will begin a long parade, another masquerade in the streets, but without the masks. We will wear our true faces as masks instead. Everyone will be brilliantly recognizable because everything you secretly knew of us will suddenly be readily apparent.
If you just trust your inner vision, you will see.
Current Mood: thirsty
July 28th, 2010
|01:26 am - a short tangentrine.|
I have just reminded myself to visit here and ramble again. Ho hum, what to say now that I'm on the spot. Well, people have been asking me how I've been and I've realized that I've had a pretty awesome year. No too horrible bouts of depression, just the usual PMDD related symptoms. Sometimes I fear I'm getting boring, but I know that what's in my imagination is brighter than ever. I'm not running as hot. I learned to temper the fire of obsession and channel it into something more functional. Sweet vagaries.
It feels strange to directly speak of certain internal processes. I used to sometimes hear the sentiment expressed that it cheapens it somehow, but that's not it for me. It is hard to expose those vulnerable spots to people who might find it stupid. But now that I've grown up some, I don't particularly worry about the opinions of people who would find my innermost sacred thoughts stupid. Sometimes it is difficult to share because of all the emotion it brings up. I find myself not wanting to break down in tears every time I talk about my deep connection to music or my appreciation for the human spirit.
As it is, I sometimes start crying at work because of those things and it usually ends up alienating customers somehow. People aren't used to tears and don't know how to deal with a person who is crying for seemingly no good reason. Sometimes when I'm recommending a book, I tell people that it made me cry and they act like that's a horrible thing and I have to say...no, in a good way, a catharsis. But still. A lot of people will not buy a book if I tell them it made me cry. I like books that make me cry because I identify with the humanity within, the unfolding, the illuminating, the struggling. I don't like books that project a grim reality with no hope of change. A lot of my coworkers seem to like books like that and I don't really understand why. I want things that will help me feel better about the world around me and the people I find myself amongst. Otherwise I will just feel terrible and paranoid all the time.
Current Location: New Alamut
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: StarCraft II
July 16th, 2010
|01:16 am - Genderqueer.|
To those who have continually been following my evolution, it probably isn't entirely surprising that I've developed some really strong gender confusion. It used to be I felt okay being a girl, and I don't really feel bad about having girl parts, BUT I feel like my personality is not very girly most of the time. I don't feel like a girl very much anymore. Sometimes I feel boyish, but more often I just feel disconnected entirely from the concept of gender and don't feel male or female. Then again, I don't necessarily feel androgynous either. I'm like: WHAT AM I? Whatever it is, my body doesn't seem to match. I think I feel the most confusion with having such large breasts. That doesn't seem right. I wonder if I can have insurance cover a breast reduction for health purposes relating to gender dysphoria or something.
Current Mood: confused
|01:10 am - Hypersensitive.|
I've been feeling way overstimulated lately. Very irritable. I don't like feeling this way. It is spurred on by my caffeine abuse. I need to stay away from caffeine, but I had some tonight just to stay awake for work. I really thought I was going to pass out on the C concourse. It was pretty slow. Every little noise now is grating on me horribly. It is even worse because I'm trying to write. I'm not getting much done fiction-wise tonight, but at least I'm journaling a little. Not even paying attention to quality, just getting it out. Letting it flow out. Which is pretty goddamned important for writing! You know it!
I've become one of those people who doesn't seem to give a flying fuck what other people think about me, and I've become one of those people who is admired for being that way. It's a curious feeling, knowing I was so very the opposite not very long ago. It became too much to bear, too much to hold up. Fuck that, I dropped it all because I couldn't carry it anymore; the paranoia, the fear of saying the wrong things. I just grew into who I am and refused to be anything other than that. If it alienates people I care about, so be it. I can only be who I am. It's not like I've set out to hurt anyone and it's not like I don't care when I do. Sometimes you just can't avoid being the catalyst for another person's bad trip. Just because of who you are and the issues you bring up by being you. Even when you don't mean to do it. Phew. I am being over-apologetic, but I still feel like I'm not explaining it correctly. So be it. So be it.
*mumbling, mumming, mumbling*
Current Mood: uncomfortable
July 15th, 2010
|10:36 pm - 2010 is great.|
My personal evolution continues, but you know, sometimes lately I feel like I'm coming to stand-still. It's like there's not so much left to FIX. I've become much more functional. I'm just spiraling around, getting closer to whatever attainment is left to aspire to. I don't feel like I have as much to say about myself as I used to. I think before I was bouncing ideas off people, trying to come to a better understanding of myself and what I wanted out of life, and you know, I don't really need that so much anymore. I know how to find what I need to find, for the most part. I've learned how to deal with my emotions, for the most part. I was on Wellbutrin for awhile and that REALLY helped. Remind me to tell you about it sometime.
I still have my website: beautifulpyre.com, and I'm still on Facebook. Kara Rae Garland. I'm on Twitter. @beautifulpyre. I am still gainfully employed, but I'm currently searching for better ways to fund my wanderlust and my desire for writing time. I am IN LOVE and I have a fantastically wonderful partner. His name is Joe. He is the cutest and the smexiest and the best.
In some ways, I am feeling boring. I feel like I need to remedy that. There are a ton of adventures to be had and I mean to have them. Just living in Portland, I've had a ton already, things I always wanted to do. But I also want to share them. And I mean to do that as well. But I need people to listen or it isn't worth it for me. What can I say? I am an exhibitionist.
Hi. I am still here. I am still your friend.
Current Mood: calm
February 6th, 2010
|11:29 pm - Hellos.|
So how's it hangin' everbody? There are a few of you I never hear from anymore. :(
Current Mood: missing you
August 6th, 2009
|06:18 pm - Elswhere.|
I am not here. I am on Facebook exclusively.
Current Mood: awake
June 24th, 2009
|09:27 am - You will never know me.|
Current Mood: contemplative
June 21st, 2009
|01:43 pm - Never Forget You|
Noisettes - Never Forget You
Current Mood: ecstatic